You have no idea how much I appreciate when stuff like this pops up, especially as I’m battling my baseline level of crippling insecurity about my ‘work’.
I’m feeling verbose, so I’ll explain: after my last post on Thought Catalog—and the response it received, let’s not be coy—I’ve been thinking: is what I’m doing is a distraction - or worse yet - bullshit?
I’ve seen a lot of posts about internet ethics; the importance of keeping your business to yourself, of not sharing texts & emails for others to see and, often, mock.
Does that make these experiences I’ve screencapped, rehashed and repackaged shitty? And the inevitable and infinitely bigger question: does that make me shitty?
What I want to do is write, but I don’t know how to find the time & energy. I suffer unnecessarily due to perfectionism; if I can’t do it well, I’d rather not do it at all. How do you balance art with work, human bonds, adequate sleep, eating right, and exercise? When I think of balance, it’s between two things — not six.
I have loved the internet intensely since I was very young, but I feel trapped by it as well. There’s a wave of inertia caused by tying my writing, professional prowess, intellectual growth and overall assessment of Self to the internet.
This probably makes it sound like I’m having an existential crisis, but I’m not. (Probably.)
Next to my bed there’s between five and fifteen drafts of stories I thought I wanted to tell, printed out and scribbled on when I still felt intensely about them. In varying stages of completion, I keep finding reasons to put them aside.
I want to wrap each tale up perfectly, to explain myself in a way that I won’t find me lumped in with the rest of the 20-somethings writing about youthful excess and inconsideration.
Blame it on watching Salinger, but I’ve been thinking about everyone’s favorite (dead) literary genius-recluse a lot lately. When I read Catcher in the Rye, the world Salinger created was certainly real, or so it felt.
From the average sullen teen to Lee Harvey Oswald and Mark Chapman, people identified with Holden because Salinger’s clarity and command of language.
I don’t know if I possess the linguistic certainty and direction needed to get across the underlying humor I see in all of these experiences.
So that’s what I’ve been struggling with in 2013: actualizing my Salinger. Writing my magnum opus, and if not that, then at least a piece de resistance to hold me over until the opus is ready to come.
I need to write something I can be proud of. I just don’t know if this is it.